What Is Cancer?

You ask me what is cancer? Listen to me. Here I am emotionally drained, shaking with fear, and with tears in my eyes. I will tell you. Listen to me, without pity. Listen with understanding. Put yourself in my exhausted, emotionally drained body, and hear me.   

Cancer is that moment when a loved one is diagnosed. It’s the questioning of doctors, God, and all those ‘are you okay’s?’ that people ask, when it’s obvious that you’re not. It’s the sacrifice that everyone has to make to keep her immune system level. It’s the hope, that today won’t be her last. It’s the hope that you will be strong enough for another day. It’s the aloha (love) that can fill a room, when you are given good news. At the end, cancer can easily become a rushed “aloha” (good-bye).

Cancer is fear. When that phone rings to tell you the news, and all you can do is hold the phone and silently cry. It’s knowing the statistic for that particular cancer, and already having a hard time grasping onto hope. Knowing that marriage, babies, and that “happy ending” she always dreamed about, is slowly slipping through her youthful fingers. It’s the fear of saying those last good-byes. It’s the understanding that she won’t be here for the next birthdays and Christmases. The fear of knowing that she won’t be there to pick up the phone when I just want to talk. Cancer is not only the fear of the unknown, but the dread of knowing my life has to continue without her.

It’s the questioning of the doctors. The feeling of need to have them be wrong. Even when you know deep down, the cancer is starting to take over. Cancer is asking God, “Why?” Spending months, praying to God, asking Him to please heal her. Asking how could He allow this cancer to form in a person with so much love and only wanting to share it with the world.

Cancer is sacrificing. It’s having to sanitize the whole house, so when her immune system shut down, she would at least have a safe place to stay without fear. Spending any extra time you have with her, acting as a caregiver. When she becomes too weak to get out of bed without guidance, leaving you to dress, bath, feed and entertain while her mom hides in another room to grieve. It’s the sacrifice of not only time, but the sacrifice of losing yourself in all those fake smiles you keep putting on for her sake. The hardest thing to do is put on a smile, when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and sob over every memory you have created together and the thought that you have so little time to continue creating more.

Cancer is learning how to enjoy those small moments, because you never know how many new moments you will be granted with. When she becomes too weak to form sentences, each breath becomes a struggle. But, finding a way to laugh together as we made our own version of sign language, and just being the true dorks we were. At the end of the day, those small moments are the ones I remember most. Cancer is about hope. Without hope, it is too easy to just give up.  It’s that moments when she finds enough strength to pull herself up and take a couple steps forward after weeks of being in a wheelchair. The aloha (love) that surrounded the room when we realized she was getting stronger was amazing.

Cancer is saying that final “aloha.” The whispering of “love you,” will forever be burned into the back of my mind as will the moment her fingers turn cold, bright black eyes became a dull gray. And knowing at that moment she was not really with us anymore. I tell you this, cancer is about the “aloha,” for the reason that at the end the only thing that matters is love and acceptance.

The Story of My Life

A young women stumbles as she walks,
It seems that she’s clumsy as she talks.
At times she mumbles,
Quotes, poems, book titles, and on she rambles.

She is as independent as a burning flame,
Needing only a starting frame.
At times she seems so focused,
Much like a lingering locust.
She is kind and tender to those in need,
More willing then most to take the lead.

Glasses magnify her beautiful brown eyes,
Her clothes are dress-code complied.
With dark hair that seems to have no end,
Flows down in waves and transcends.

A family she has,
So strange, so crazy so filled with piazzas.
With a mother who teaches and a contractor for a father,
Thank goodness they are no longer together!
A sister who seems to be lost in the world,
but slowly coming into her own.

She lives by faith, with the symbol of her sins,
It is easy to find, as it lays under her chin.
She lifts her hands to speak,
It seems to be classes are twice a week.
Her hands so agile, so ready to sign; To speak to those that have no voice.
She wants you to know that everyone has a choice.


Okay, so I wrote that my senior year of High School for my English class.

All Is Not Lost

One must look inside of who they really are
to understand what they are capable of.
Some might be leaders,
followers or maybe the teachers.


As long as you always remember
who you truly are.
And stick to your morals,
anything (even your deepest desire),
is possible.
Because nothing is impossible.

As long as you really want it,
you will fight for it,
and as long as you fight,
all is not lost.

Love & Hate

Love can be found in the darkest alley,
As hate can be found in the brightess alley.
Not everything is black and white.
It is not always as you see it.
Eyes tend to play tricks on our hearts,
As our hearts play tricks on our minds.

Poetry is...

Poetry is a story, at times you have to read between the lines to appreciate it. It’s when there is emotion, anywhere from sad, discouraging or happy and wise, when poetry is at its best. The significance of poetry is not the thing being said, but the way it is being said.

I suppose people have a love/hate relationship with poetry, for the reason that at times it’s hard to write a poem with rhythm. Every so often you come across a poem that is hard to comprehend what is actually happening. Nevertheless, there is a lot of people that are passionate about poetry, and that can understand it word-for-word.

Personally, I love free verse poetry, when there is no right or wrong. My logic for that is,it's not fun to write, when you can’t put what you really want - because it doesn’t rhyme or have the current line count. Poetry to me is an outlet. For the reason that poetry can signify so much to one person, but the person beside you, will have no idea what your truly reading or writing.

Keep Breathing

There are these rare moments in life that are true glimpses of a perfect world. Maybe that perfection lies on a mountain under falling stars in the night sky with the person you love. Maybe that perfection lies in one last sunrise over the ocean with your family before one sun set.

Maybe that perfection lies in every little moment that makes all the other moments worth living. They are the moments that stay with us. Even if the people who were with us in those moments move on, change or leave us for some reason, they are always with us too. And neither life (as we all live and move on) nor death (as we all will die) can take that from us, for the moments may be fleeting, but the feeling is forever.

Goodnight world. Keep us all safe tonight wrapped up in those wonderful moments with the ones we’ve loved and lost. They are forever a part of our hearts no matter how painful losing them may have been.

All we can do is keep breathing.

                          [Ingrid Michaelson]

Oh My God: Akua Ke Aloha (God Is Love)

Peter Rodger, who is the film maker of Oh My God, is a very courageous man that traveled the globe to ask a question that many have died over- Who is God? This film is packed with facts and beliefs of a large diverse of people.

As a believer of God, I feel like I learned a little about my own faith; by watching how people all over the globe, worship God. Peter Rodger did a marvelous job on capturing people’s cultures and diverse religions in a beautiful and in a significant way that actually draws in an audience.

Father Michael Collins of Italy stated that Catholics believe that everything is beautiful, even things that are made by man are in God’s image, therefore are also beautiful. I found this statement comparable to the Buddhist statement on the beauty of nature and their surroundings.

In between part of the film one man declared that, “All the wars of the world are about religion and land.” I truly believe this man’s statement is one-hundred percent true, with the addition of oil. There would be no other reason for people to die other than fighting for their religion and/or land.

Peter goes on to declare that there are four reasons why people believe in God. One, we have no idea how we got here; therefore God must be the creator. Two, doing good deeds will get you into heaven, so god is a policeman. Three, the fear of death. Only knowing that our bodies wrapped, the rest is speculation, so God gives eternal life. Four, everything is God’s will, therefore God is the scapegoat.

In Kenya, East Africa, a tribe will sacrifice lambs to God. They will eat from the flesh and use the sheep pelt as part of the worship ceremony. One man went on to say that it will often rain after they conclude a sacrificing ceremony. Trying not to be judgmental, I honestly have to say I am thankful that I do not practice a religion that requires sacrificing an animal or another human. For example in Guatemala the Mayas used to participate in human sacrificing. The Mayas would use alters to cut off the heads of willing members of the tribe to be sacrificed. They believed that it was the fast track to the underworld.

The man from the undisclosed location honestly frightened me. Knowing that he had weapons with him during the interview is a little nerve-wracking. When he stated with such seriousness that, the Christians and Jews shall forever go to the hell of fire from the Koran, it is worrisome that people’s interpretations can be so misguided that they would truly kill another human being. The problem of interpretations, and lack of teachings of the Koran is truly terrifying, however it reminded me on how Christians can also misinterpret the Bible and take it to the extremes at time.

The Princess Michael of Kent, in London proclaimed that, “God is goodness, and all goodness comes from God.” I found her testimonial honest and properly the simplest out of many of the people in the film. Her proclamation reminded me of something that is said in my family, “Akua Ke Aloha,” which translates into “God is love.”

One Israeli man proclaimed, “How can you love your neighbor, if you don’t know him? You build walls that only wars can break down by not listening to your neighbors.” This proclamation reminded me on the reason I took World Religions, to learn and understand diverse religions. I want to be able to have a civil conversation with people of a different religion not debating but just the understanding on what their religion consist of.

I really cherished the conclusion where people said “God is love” in various diverse languages. Other than the man from the undisclosed location, almost everyone else stated that God is peace, happiness, goodness, beautiful and love.

  God may be different religions but the love is universal.

Dare to Believe

So forget about who was wrong,

Cause I've never been more ready

to turn this page.
          
If you swear you believe in life,

Embrace forgiveness.

Cause it's all that I'm asking,

Or keep holding out...

                                 - Dare to Believe

Boyce Avenue wrote “Dare to Believe,” and I have totally fallen in love with it. I have been a fan of Boyce Avenue on youtube.com for awhile now, but when they posted that song…. I needed those words more at that time then any before.

A couple years ago I went on this fantastic vacation, all paid between my grandmother and dad. Went to D.C., visited Gallaudet University (one of my dreams to attend there), Gettysburg and spent time in North Carolina with family. Unfortunately, with miscommunication and anger, my grandmothers and I’s relationship deteriorated on that trip. We’ve both said things we wished we didn’t, and because we are both so stubborn, we let that manifest into something bigger than what it should have ever been.  

And then Boyce Avenue posted a new song called “Daring to Believe.” I remember listening to it once, and thinking it was a nice song. And then I actually paid attention to the lyrics and was wowed!

We been in the dark for way too long,
But when we turn around we see light shine through the haze,
So forget about who was wrong,
'Cause I've never been more ready to turn this page.

If you swear you believe in life,
Embrace forgiveness 'cause it’s all that I’m askin',
Or keep holding out while the innocent die.

 After a couple years of stubbornness on “who was wrong,” and the want for an apology, I became “ready to turn this page.” So I called her. After months of no communication, I just jumped in and started talking about what I’ve been doing since we last spoke. It was awkward, and I never really received an apology, but I forgave her. Will I ever forget what she said to me? No. But forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting.  Our relationship will never be what it once was, but at the end of the day, forgiveness was embraced.

Schools Out...for the Summer!

Passed my COM263 (Intercultural Communications) class today.

But even better news:  I will be legible to graduate May of 2012 with my AA (Associates in Arts) ! Pretty stoked about that little piece of news.

After that I can transfer to ASU (Arizona State) for a Communications Major. Then Phoenix College for Deaf Studies/Interpreters Licence. Maybe one day even Gallaudet University (D.C.), which is the only Deaf university in the United States. :)

So now that summer has officially started for myself I plan to enjoy the summer.

Tomorrow, I am heading up to Payson, AZ for my first summer adventure. My family has this amazing cabin up in the area, and a bunch of my cousins, siblings and I are heading up for the weekend to party it up.


On a side note I turn 21 on the 13th. Not really sure if I'm excited about that or not.

The Sister

Cory (asleep), Me, and cousin Bobbie

I have a sister. Cory. I know, it’s spelled like the boy version.

I tried to talk my parents into naming her Ariel, from the Little Mermaid, but they wouldn’t do it. The lack of red hair did not change the fact I continued to call her Ariel for several months after she was born was beside the point.

She is two years and nine months younger than I am, making me the all knowing and powerful older sister.

She's something. I don't think "special" or "wonderful," is the right word for her. More like a pain in my butt.

Dad, Me, and Cory on a flight back to AZ

We argue constantly, over anything and everything. Sometimes, more than most, I feel like I want to strangle her, but at the same point hold her close and tell her I love her.

Sure we have our bad days. Ok, we have a lot of bad days. But we do have some really great memories. The fonder ones are of course of me bossing her around.

I wish I had a scanner around to show you some of the pictures from the “good ol’ days.” But because I do not, I shall shower you with more recent pictures.

May 2010

Cory and I when she was a baby

Senior year Homecoming dance

December 2011

Cory's 18th birthday gift: Hot Air Balloon ride

 

         Just Sisters.....

"I'm smiling because your my sister, I'm laughing because there is nothing you can do about it! :)"

I Am, Who I Am

I am

  who I am.

My life is not
  always pretty.
But in the end
  it seems to always
  fall into place.
I am more
  then what you see.
I am the roundhead
  in the square hole.
I am the one
  who sees things

  differently.

I am

  who I am.

I find myself
  trying to live up to
  everyone’s expectations.

While forgetting about
  my own.
I dream only of becoming
  a teacher.
To help others understand
  school is more then the learning
  it’s the growing of becoming
  who they are.
I am
  who I am.

I hide in the many books
  I read.
To get away from
  the troubles
  of everyday life.
Reading is more

  then my passion

  it’s my

  escape.

I am

  who I am.

I volunteer because
  I know there are people
  that are more damaged
  then I.
To lend a hand
  when they are drowning
  in their own well of troubles.

It gives me

  a sense of worth.

I am

  who I am.

I am proud of

  my Chicano heritage.

I know what my great-grandparents

  had to do

  to get this freedom.
I am
  who I am.

Faith is my rope
  tied to the tree.
When I start to roam to far
  I am pulled back

  into the arms

  of my Savior.
I am
  who I am.

I have learned
  that to kiss the past goodbye
  I have to take the good
  with the bad.
Got to love what I have
  and remember what I had.
Learn from my many
  mistakes
  but never
  regret.
I am
  who I am.

I am the girl

  who tries to hold onto

  everything she is.

The daughter

  sister

  niece

  cousin

  friend

  and student.

But most of all

  I try to just be

  me.

I am

  who I am.

Fear of the “C” Word

Cancer. Just a word, right? It is until it creeps slowly into your life, prepared to take control of your life. I remember vividly, when it started showing up in my life; the first time was when my grandparents had either lung, breast or skin cancer. Watching them die a little more each day was earth shattering enough, but the first time the “C” word appears and is pointing directly at you, well that’s a day no one can ever forget.
I remember it like it was yesterday. Mom asked what was on my neck. I remember thinking what in the world is she talking about. Sure I had a “little” bump on my neck, but that’s always been there, thinking what was the big deal? Mom being, well…Mom, she panicked and rushed to the nearest phone to call the doctor for an appointment. Still not understanding what the big deal was, I did not think much of it, until the next week when the appointment came. The doctor’s cold hands immediately went to my neck; he said so bluntly that I needed to be tested to see if it was cancer. Let’s freeze for a second: Up until this point cancer to me was just another way to say you were dying. But when someone like a doctor says something so alarming, the word cancer is no longer a word; it was almost as bad as any other “bad word.” Let’s just say I did not take the news too well.

Okay, so I did not take the news at all! I was completely in shock. The first thought was “I do NOT like this doctor.” Then came the “Okay Katie, it’s no big deal; it is only cancer; it can only kill you.” However, the last thought was, “Tested? That means blood, which means needles; nope, not doing it.” To understand this fear that I have, you have to be made aware that still to this day I have to be on heavy medication even to get near the needles.

Getting pulled out of my thoughts, when the nurse walked through the door and saying very nicely that I needed to follow her. Walking with my head down, in shame of my fear and knowing what was coming next, I was already in tears before I was even seated in those awful chairs. I remember watching the needle coming closer and closer, Mom yelling for me to close my eyes, but before it touched my skin, I closed my eyes tightly. It seemed like the blood would never come. I knew if I looked in a mirror, my face would be as pale as snow. When the torture was finally done, I asked the doctor, wishing for the answer to be the one less painful, if that was all I had to do. I remember his face looking down at me, with sorrow, and he said I still needed to do a catscan. I looked to the ground and walked back, while Mom was scheduling an appointment for that. Those three months waiting for that appointment, were pure agony, waiting for the unknown, still not understanding what exactly what a “catscan” was.

I remember that day when I was waiting in that waiting room for two hours to go back to do this thing called a catscan- the whole time hoping that it was going to be painless. A man called my name and took me to the back, gave me this gown, which looked more like a cloth, and told me to change into that. Still not comprehending what is going on, I did so. He then took me to this room where Mom is sitting and filling out paperwork. He looked at me and handed me a pen and told me that I had to sign a document saying something about IV’s. Freeze for a second: I know what IV’s are; they consist of a needle and a tube staying in my arm., um…NEEDLE!

I remember giving this man the blankest of stares, wishing he was joking. I slowly signed my name, starting to tear up again. While he put the IV in me, I stared at the catscan. I can still vividly remember that it was quite large with a big hole in the center that had a table. The whole time I was staring all I heard coming from the man was blah, blah, you’re going to taste nickel in your mouth, blah, blah, lay still. I do not even remember lying down. I looked up and saw nothing but blurs, it turned out he had taken off my glasses. I remember those moments while I was just lying there, tasting that horrid taste of nickel, thinking of the “what if” I really did have cancer. Would my friends and family miss me? What would I be leaving behind? What if I did not want to die yet; did I have a choice? Mom pulled me out of my stupid thoughts by handing my glasses back to me. I remember driving home, praying to whatever God that would listen, praying more then I ever have before, hoping that it was a fluke and I do not have the “C” word.

One of the Gods heard me that day because walking to the answering machine two weeks later, there was the voice of the doctor saying there is some kind of mass on my neck, but not cancer and asked if we could call him back. I remember sitting in the chair, looking at the machine that just told me that I had a second chance. Later that night Mom called the doctor, and he told us the not so good news. He said that if the tumor ever grows larger, moves or anything else abnormal like bruises started showing up unexplained, I would need to come back in for more test. What he means is that I was out of the woods that time, but that someday that lump could become the “C” word When the “C” word comes up into conversations I start panicking, and my hand finds it’s way to my neck. I will often walk out of the room, or just sit there extremely quite, while my mind is racing of the “what if’s.” This fear will be with me the rest of my life, because knowing that this tumor at anytime can become cancerous, is a horrid thought, that can scare anyone.. I am filled with fear every time I find a bruise, and I cannot remember where I got it from. I am filled with fear every time I look at my neck, thinking my eyes are playing tricks on me, making sure it did not grow. I am filled with memories of my eighth grade year, waiting to hear if my, “What If’s” would become my life.

Big Foot and Marriage

Big Foot has been traveling the world since the 1960's and we can only hope that he continues traveling with the family for years to come. The tradition of Big Foot is a little weird to people outside of the family, (come on, he is ugly!)
but nonetheless it is tradition and this website "Where is Big Foot," we, as a
family can get updates on who has him, where is he traveling and overall keep up with adventures within the family. (www.whereisbigfoot.webs.com)

Josh and Brittany's marriage started off beautifully. How could it not when Big
Foot was behind the alter waiting for the couple to see him. When they finally
realized he was there, Brittany handed him to Bobbie to hold for the rest of the ceremony.

Throughout the reception Big Foot kept moving around the room. For awhile he was at our (Toby, Melissa, Zachary, Tammy, Cory, Reta and Katie) table, that is until Bobbie did a grab and run with him. However she only took him to the front
table where the main party was; putting him right in front of Josh and Brittany for a good portion of the reception.

At some point Big Foot disappeared with a couple sneaky guys (Chris and Dana) hiding him in Dana's car. But have no fear, Toby was there! Well Toby and his crowbar to break into cars, that is. And he did just that, broke into Dana's car to get Big Foot, and came back in the reception with a BIG TOBY SMILE.

The rest of the reception Toby was watching Big Foot like it was a newborn baby. However, sometime Toby did take his eyes off it for awhile and he disappeared! After several minutes of Toby looking under tables and Chris looking in all the girl cousins purses, it has came to the conclusion that Big Foot has found a new home...until someone finds him next.

My Philosophy on Education

“The problem isn’t that the (deaf) students do not hear. The problem is that the hearing world does not listen,” said Reverend Jesse Jackson. As a future deaf educator teaching secondary education with an emphasis in English, I know I will not be guilty of not listening. Instead I will focus on hearing my students through classroom management, learning styles, and diversity.

I am confident that with my classroom management the students will understand I am not simply there to support them academically, but also emotionally. However, students will be aware that I am not there to be their “pal” but their teacher. I will continue to be there emotionally for students, but I will not allow students to become too friendly nor will they have firsthand knowledge of my personal life. I will do this by showing the students I care by rewarding excellent behavior with messages to parents through e-mails or personal phone calls. On the other hand, school rules will apply to all students. Rules such as having students keep eye contact with me while I lecture or write notes on the white board is an example. Another rule would be to always be prepared by bringing supplies such as paper, pen and notebook, and that homework is finished for each class. Consequences will be determined based on the rule not followed. For instance, when a student loses eye contact throughout the class I will ask the student to go out to the hallway to have a conversation with the student. I will then try to figure out what may be going on with the student and discourage their current behavior. To reward students who demonstrate correct writing skills, I will use signed English to read their papers so other students can understand excellent examples through a peer’s writing. Consequently, students will feel appreciated and successful while in the classroom. I will listen to my students if they have questions about an assignment or a concept we are covering in class, as I will continue to pay attention to their learning styles.

I will be teaching students that are deaf or hard-of-hearing whose learning styles will focus more on visual and kinesthetic, although some may be auditory. Being versatile will not only benefit the students in their academics but keep things fresh in the classroom. I will use Signed English/American Sign Language as a visual after writing on the board, for all my students. Kinesthetic activities will include role playing a scene from a play and/or story, so students will have the opportunity to enjoy what is being taught through a physical activity. For example student groups would read from a skit for a scene in Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet, or Much Ado About Nothing, teaching the rest of the students what the story was about. Auditory learners tend to test better orally so for vocabulary and spelling tests, students will perform those test orally (signed/finger spelled). For example, students will stand to perform a vocabulary pre-test. Calling on different students for different vocabulary words to define will give all the students a chance to earn 10 points. Students will have a possible ten points for every pre-test by answering the question with the correct answer the first time. As a result, I will reach students with different leaning styles to provide the best learning environment that the students will be successful in. Within the first couple of weeks I will be listening to the students to determine what learning style will best fit for each teenager individually. I will also be listening to my students for any given chance to teach diversity.

I know that my classroom will be extremely diverse not only in the students hearing capability but their culture, economics and other social issues they may have. Because the class will be diverse, I will prepare students through Language Arts by writing and reading about influential people that have/had similar diverse issues. Short stories based on Helen Keller who was deaf/blind, and/or I. King Jordan: Deaf President Now, the protest that demonstrated that students can make a difference when they stand together. (I. King Jordan, who was Deaf, became the president of Gallaudet University with a student movement, Deaf President Now.) By having students read about influential people, it will illustrate to them that although they may not be able to hear, they too can do great things. As a result, students will comprehend that each person in the world is unique and they too can be successful no matter what diverse issue they believe is holding them back.

I firmly believe that with so many social issues such as violence, sexuality, health and fitness, substance abuse and dropping out; students need to understand that as a teacher I will support and help them as much as possible. I will do this by listening to students and when asked, provide as much general advice as I can possibly offer to the students or refer them to the school counselor. I will abide by the policies of reporting abuse to the correct authorities, whenever I am informed that abuse is happening. By discussing social issues through Language Arts, there are possibilities of providing answers and support to students going through the same social issues. For example having different students every couple of weeks become a “Dear Abby” reporter while the rest of the students write in about whatever “problem/issue” they are willing to share with an anonymous peer. For instance, an anonymous student writes a letter to “Dear Abby” about a family problem such as a sibling rivalry. Another anonymous student will respond to the letter giving advice through writing an article with proper writing skills. Throughout the year, students will enhance their writing skills and receive answers to questions they may ask in the course of “Dear Abby.” With that, I will support my students to the best of my abilities while abiding policies of education and enhancing writing skills by truly listening to my student’s thoughts on life and diversity through their writing.

My students may not be able to actually hear what is going on around them, and I am determined to be their ears when they cannot hear, but never their mouths. I will encourage my students to use their mouths (hands) and show the world what they can truly do with their writing. I am committed to providing the best possible learning environment that is both engaging and knowledgeable, the kind of class that will not only empower them to do well in English, but in life.

The Connection with a Religion

I was raised in a home that participated in a Christian society. We practiced it with holidays, church on Easter and Christmas and the morals of right and wrong. My mom’s family was really into the church activities every Sunday, were my dad’s family really wasn’t’ into the whole “practicing religion thing.” My sister and I would go with my mom and her family when she wanted to go, but we never really had a deep connection with the church during my childhood. Growing up, some people would call my dad atheist and at times I believed them. It was not until later that I learned my dad was not atheist, he just had an issue with organized religions and would not participate in any one church or denomination of the Christian faith. My childhood was not focused on religion but more the understanding of morals and the beliefs of the Christian faith.

When some kids have to go to Sunday school and partake in a religious activity, I would be volunteering with my mom at different organizations helping people. At the time, I didn’t understand that my mom was teaching me what being a Christian was truly about. I just knew that my mom had this obsession with helping people and volunteering our family for different activities. But truly, she was laying down the foundation of the idea that serving others before yourself is a much greater thing to do. Now, I find myself volunteering and doing “good deeds” just because, and other people tend to think of volunteering as too time consuming, where I think, what better thing to do, then serve others with ones time.

My view on women during my childhood was focused more on my mom and how she portrayed herself to me then a certain religion aspect. It was never said that the women’s job was to take care of the kids while the man carried the financial burden, but in a way that is what my family lived. My dad’s opinions did not exceed my mom’s, they worked together equally in the house/family. My mom showed us that a women’s job was to love her children, no matter what. She started laying down the bricks of my foundation of women’s rights by saying it was my duty to never back down from a fight when I boy said I could not become a firefighter because I was a girl. It wasn’t really about wanting to become a firefighter, but more the thought that a boy told me I can’t do something because I was a girl that made my mom sit me down and have my first conversation on the rights of women. (It also doesn’t help when my great-great grandma partook in the fight for women’s voting back in the day)

Over time things have changed, parents divorced, moving, graduations and deaths have changed my family tremendously. One of my biggest changes personally have to be my faith in God. Which is why I found it surprising when I received my results from the two surveys I took regarding my faith. For example the Belief-O-Matic results were Reform Judaism, Orthodox Quaker and Orthodox Judaism. It could be because I based my answers not on my religion and how it “should” be answered but my own personally beliefs. For example I know some people in certain Christian faiths are extremely anti-pro-choice and/or homosexuals, were my views are for both of them. While on the Spirituality survey I scored a 79, meaning I am a questioning believer. I guess I would be considered a questioning believer to some that go by what the bible says directly and not reading the in-betweens. What I truly question is when people that say they are Christian and then say God hates _____. I have a hard time believing God hates certain people, when He made them a certain way. But like I said, I am learning and pursuing an actual relationship with God now and understanding that being a Christian, isn’t always easy.

In 2008 I was baptized into the Christian faith and started my journey as a Christian. Growing up I was learning the fundamentals, but now I am taking those fundamentals and actually doing something with them. To understand the history of my faith now, I have to go back to 2008 when I spent more time in black than any other color. In that year alone, I went to five funerals all for people (friends/family) under the age of 22. That year I went into, what the doctors labeled as Major Depressive Disorder. My small town doctor also was a member of my church and told me to read a couple pages of the Bible a day when I start having “bad thoughts.” I went along with it and actually started to pay attention to what I was reading. I got sucked into it and started to have conversations with my family on God.

That summer I was baptized. The next year I held my cousins hand as she died of a brain tumor at the age of 22. The thing was, earlier that morning I remember praying to God asking Him to take away her pain. I guess He did it the only way He could. Unlike my dad that has a hard time with God, I did not question the “whys,” but more on what I learned from my cousin. My family and friends tell me I have come a long way from 2008 regarding my faith, and I have to smile and thank my doctor for that because without his idea of reading parts of the bible during my M.D.D. I would not have taken the path in my faith.

Since my childhood I have made a connection with a religion. Christianity. It was not that I wasn’t a Christian before, I just did not practice it and have a real connection. Ever since 2008 I have looked to my faith for answers when I needed help. Because it’s not only about identifying myself with a religion but having the connection and understanding of it that makes it your own.

Who Am I: Culturally

I am an independent female who is culturally more than what I physically might be. The discovery of my culture came at an early age with my dad always calling my sister and I, mija. It wasn’t that I was raised in a family that spoke Spanish, but my dad partaking in his culture and passing it on to us. To understand who I am, I have to look back and remember what I am.

I know I am Mexican, English with a couple other European attributes thrown in there somewhere, but just because that is what I am, does not define who I am. When my aunt adopted my cousin many years ago, my family started to partake in her culture as well, the Hawaiian culture manifested into our home, an ocean away. Two years ago they moved in with us, which only made us richer in the Hawaiian culture and language. Even though I might physically not be Hawaiian, I defiantly am, culturally. We (ohana/family) participate in a number of the Hawaiian holidays, language and the general laidback ways of Hawaii.

I may be hearing, but I proudly surround myself with friends and family that are Deaf. And yes, that is big “d” deaf; little “d,” states that someone is deaf, while big “d,” deaf means that person actually participates in the Deaf culture. My little cousin is totally Deaf, and while some people might think of him as a disability, personally I love him even more! With the Deaf culture, American Sign Language must be included. I fell in love with the language before my cousin became deaf. I often find myself signing to songs, and to people that I know that aren’t deaf, nor do they know what I am saying/signing. Honestly, I think I do this because I want to spread the love of the Deaf culture onto other people. It is because of my wonderful experience in the Deaf world, that I have decided to become an Interpreter for the deaf and maybe one day go back to my original dream of becoming a teacher for the deaf. I honestly could not think of a better way to live my life then teaching students how to embrace their culture.

I am culturally, a techie. With so many electronics around the world I am amazed when I meet someone my age that’s not. I am that person that facebooks constantly. I think it shows the importance of it, when a simple term has become a verb. Not only do I have this need to facebook, which I can do from my phone, but the need be on an actual computer is much like a desperation. I am one of those people that have to be logged in, a couple times a day, I do not understand how people can go days without checking their emails or just logging on. But being a techie is more than the internet and computers, it’s the phones! Personally, I fell naked without my blackberry glued to my hip, knowing that at the simple hit of a button I have all my contacts, email, facebook, internet and other apps constantly available to me. It is not about the fun and entertaining apps, but the necessities, it has become my alarm and planner. I am not crazy to think that the world would end if it broke, however I do know that I would have no idea on how to call my parents, when the numbers are stuck in my phone! I understand that to an older generation that I seem to rely on my phone too much and perhaps I do, but it my culture, and I love it.

A big part of my culture is cancer. People that are surround with cancer have their own language and programs that get them through the days. From an early age I have always been surround by family with cancer, which helped when friends started to get diagnosed with cancers too. I was able to refer them to different places and programs that are great resources, like the American Cancer Society. With the American Cancer Society, the culture of Relay For Life must be brought up! I have participated in Relay For Life for over eight years now, and have been an Event Manager (overseer of the whole thing) at Arizona State University Polytechnic Campus for the last two years. Relay For Life is such a huge part of my cancer culture, because I get to celebrate all the survivors, remember the ones that I have lost, and fight back for myself! Relay For Life is more than an event people do to raise money for cancer, it is a network of people that live in the same culture as I do. Unlike many other friends I had no fears of going to chemotherapy and/or radiation appointments with them. It’s not that I have become callused by living in the cancer culture, but the understanding that sometimes the risk is worth it- because who knows if you will ever have another opportunity.

I am a retail employee, and unless you personally worked in retail there is no way to understand the culture behind it, at times I still do not understand it. The customer complaints about a shirt not looking right on their body and getting really frustrated over it makes me roll my eyes. But the real challenge is telling them they have the shirt on backwards without laughing at them. The retail lingo is a major factor into the culture, for example if I was to say “take the ‘z’ rail to Sonoma and size it,” only people from my department store would have any notion on what I was saying. My favorite though is when I have a customer that hangs and puts away her own clothes, I tend to smile and they quickly tell me they understand.

Being part of a culture is more than sharing backgrounds and traditions, it is understanding that who I am is intertwined with hundreds of people all around the world. I am Katie, the Mexican, Hawaiian and deaf lover, techie, retail person that surrounds herself with cancer. It might be a weird combination, but it’s me, and I love my cultures.

"Little" Sister No Longer

For my "little sisters," 18th birthday we had a "sister day" the day before. We went to the movies, saw "No Strings Attached," which was filled with hilariousness! Personally I think it is MUST see, it’s so funny and contains a lot of cuteness. :)

After the movie, I took Cory to Clarie's and she FINALLY got her ears pierced.

 

The actual day of her birthday 1/22, we went on a hot air balloon ride, which was SO MUCH fun! I think my pictures can tell the story better than I can.

They gave us planes to make and throw down. Cory's just glided, mine just failed...horribly.

 

Dear Life, Love Death

Dear Life,


With life, comes death. Hate- Love. As what is and what is not. What goes up, must come down. One day they will die, as we all will die. When one heart stops beating, another will take their first breath of air. As always; with death, comes life.

It is not acceptable, to just live like a zombie and rush through life. We have to truly LIVE. We have to walk, and rejoice in our observation of what truly is beauty. Nothing is ever the same. Be silent, and listen. Really listen to what humanity and nature is expressing. Because nothing is as important as the wisdom and understanding; of others- who have lived before us.

"There is a time to be born, and a time to die; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to gain, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace." (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

This verse alone is one of the most important things we will ever need to know, about the life we all lead. When we feel like breaking down, that is the time when we hold our heads up and march right thru what life is throwing at us. Because even the best fall down sometimes. When life is showing us the bad, we must smile and laugh for all the good that goes unnoticed. When they die-do not mourn, dance! And be merry for the life they have lived. When we hate, we lose a chance to love; and living in the world we do, we need every ounce of love we can get.

With hope; doubt will follow. At times life seems so cruel, and will take our last and only hope. But hope, like a Phoenix, waits to be re-born from its ashes. Like a Phoenix, hope, will be our light- our flame in the darkness. Like a Phoenix’s tears, hope will heal all wounds. Like a Phoenix, hope will find us.

“As water reflects a face, so a man’s heart reflects the man.” Look at our reflection and what do we see. The lips, where our words flee from, do they speak with honesty? The eyes; our looking glass. They are the window to our souls. Do they see more then they let on, not speaking up with those lips- which speaks with truth? Do they see the small individual things? Our hands, do they protect and love those we hold? Our legs, do they walk with haste? Or do they glide where life takes them? Our stomach, do they feed until full, or feed until satisfied, and feed the rest to the one’s who have nothing? Promise that the following will never be forgotten; a good name is better than fine perfume.

Love,
Death

Letter to God

Dear God,


Your much more than a teacher figure, your someone that has always been there for me, at times not even knowing it was you. You are one of the only people that has truly seen me at my worst, and still You love me. With You I never have to act like someone else, You know me better than I do, and I know I will always be loved. I might disappoint, but with You I am always forgiven. In John 3:16, it’s said that You sacrificed your only son, for my sins. That alone leaves me humble, knowing You understand that we are not perfect beings, but to sacrifice your son for us? Your much more than a teacher figure, you’re a protector, lover and fighter.

You were my light in that dark tunnel I found myself stuck in, not too long ago. I remember talking to You from an early age, but I guess at times I felt I was talking more to myself then You. It wasn’t until the summer of my junior year of high school that I truly knew You. That summer I was in such bad shape emotionally I often felt like giving up. Sadly the only reason I didn’t do anything stupid was my fear of pain. So instead I threw myself in to You and the church. I think that was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I will never forget the day that I finally realized if I wanted my life to change, I had to stop living for me, and live for You. I remember sitting on my bed, tears gliding down my face, wondering how did my life get so out of hand. The radio was on when the radio host said “And now for the number one hit song by Rush of Fools, this is Undo.” I slowly started to listen to the lyrics, but this part is what really caught me;

Undo what I've become

Bring me back to the place

Of forgiveness and grace

I need You, need Your help

I can't do this myself

You’re the only one who can undo

What I've become

This was the moment when I realized that it was through You that I can wipe away the old and start anew. I knew then I did have support from others who loved me, and with them by my side, I found I can make it through. Later that summer I was baptized, and it was because of You. I finally understood everything You were trying to tell me. I know I am no Jesus, but maybe I don’t have to be. And for that alone I thank you. My teacher figure, father, friend, protector and God.

Your Daughter

Rain.

Rain.

It is the wet drop that splashes your face.

While holding out the hands trying to catch it as it drops, knowing it is useless as it will slip right out of the them as it lands.

The tongue slowly comes out to taste the wetness of the rain, as one drop hit’s the tongue, it is like tasting purity.

It is more then a wet drop of water.

It is the beginning of life.

Rain.

The way it starts so…

slow at first-

a drop here and a drop there.

Then it starts to become a heavy weight taking all with it.

As it pores over the sidewalk that once was covered in dirt and grime.

The purity of the rain starts to wash all that is wrong in the world.

Making the sidewalk less dirty, the grass greener, and the flowers-

grow.

The sidewalk which starts as a soft substance, much like a babe.

As it hardens, much like a childs bones do.

After awhile-

dirt and gum starts to stick to the sidewalk.

Much like insults stick to the body.

As the rain comes it washes it all away, making the body pure once more.

Rain makes the elderly, young again,

playing in puddles and laughing as the rain hits there wrinkled face.

Much like how the rain makes the yellow,

almost dead grass-green again.

Flowers that show growth, wisdom, and tenderness.

It all starts with the rain.

It’s much more then water falling from the sky.

It is the forgiveness that we all wish to have.

It is as pure as a child being born.

Rain makes things come to life and grow.

Rain.

It is the start of the new.

It is the end of forgiveness.

And the purity of the world.

Letter to Dad

Dear Dad,

From the beginning you have always been there for me, at times even when I wished you weren’t. I know you are having a hard time letting me go, and it shows me how much you really love me, and at times I know I will run right back to you asking for help and guidance. All I ask is that you give me a little room, but to always have the door unlocked so I can sneak back into the house for something edible.

One of the things I have always enjoyed doing with you was our “big bed time.” I remember always crawling into the big bed for our hugs and watching our shows together. I remember the Scooby Doo in the mornings while you got ready for work in the Gilbert house, then the sponge bob during dinners at your house. Those times on the big bed was always about us, we would talk about anything and everything during those long commercials, then laugh during the show.

I remember how you went to everyone of our dance and orchestra recitals, even when I knew you only went to see us, because you honestly hated watching everything else. The support you have gave me has been endless, and at times I feel as if I don’t deserve it. You have went places with me, even when I know you really did not wish to go. One of your biggest pet peeves has always asking something of you at the last moment, but as you know I tend to do that a lot. When I called you to ask to take to get my hair done for prom, you were irritated because I didn’t think of your plans, and your right. It is hard to remember that you also have a life, and it doesn’t necessarily revolve around me. Even though at times I swear it does. But even when you had plans you put it all down, and went to get my hair done, all because I asked you too.

You have been by my side through thick and thin, and I know it is the parents job to feed and shelter us, but you have loved us and supported us our whole lives, and for that I love you.

Love,

Bug

*I wrote this my senior year of high school, and recently found it. Figured I would post it. :)

Bilingual/Bicultural Education

In the early 1980’s, Sweden established the first Bilingual/Bicultural education programs. Biculturalism would be considered as the presence of two different cultures in the same country or region. This implies that there is an understanding of customs, practices, and expectations of members in a cultural group and the ability to adapt to their expectations. Bilingualism is the ability to use two very different languages fluently and successfully. Some people might be stronger when it comes to one of the languages or some people combine the two languages while talking. When people try to combine the two languages they often end up dropping signs or speaking in broken English. This is why it is better to try and stick with either one or the other.

Bilingual/Bicultural education focuses on the balance of the Deaf world and hearing world, teaching children American Sign Language as their first language and English as their second one. This gives the students an opportunity to succeed in both worlds. When a child doesn’t understand there should be an equal balance between their hearing and deaf cultures, it makes learning about one community much more difficult than the other. This type of education recognizes that English and ASL are two completely different languages just like Russian and Italian are different from one another. Deaf Culture also is discussed to teach deaf children more about themselves. This program teaches that ASL is its own language with its own specific grammar structures and rules for interaction. It also treats spoken English and written English as two separate ways of communication. This program promotes children to distinguish that Deaf culture has a common language instead of identifying themselves as deficient of hearing and spoken English. By doing Bilingual/Bicultural education it gives deaf students an advantage over other deaf individuals who learned in a different setting such as total communication, oralism, or sign writing.

Educational Institutes that follow the Bilingual/Bicultural program most often introduce this idea to children at a young age. They work with parents and family members of the deaf student to help them comprehend the special linguistic, educational and social needs of their child. This helps them realize the importance of early language acquisition. Studies show that deaf children who develop language late are less proficient than those who cultivate an early first language. The early aggression on the ability to learn grammar makes the development of a solid language compelling. However, even though many opportunities to learn these special forms of education, many parents and family members do not take advantage of the program. This is common for children who are born to hearing parents.

The Bilingual/Bicultural approach believes that deaf children are not deficient. Instead of being auditory learners, they are visual learners. This program offers a distinctive visual learning environment in which their etymological, cultural, and social needs are met. Because these children are lacking the sense of sound, it is so important to utilize all the other senses. Along with using visuals the teacher will incorporate taste, touch, and smell to help the children gain a clear understanding for each word.

A local charter school, Sequoia School for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing is a Bilingual/Bicultural school that incorporates the duel learning method as early as Kindergarten and continues to the twelfth grade. There are about seventy-five students in the Sequoia School for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing, which makes up 1/3 of the shared learning environment with the hearing students within Sequoia’s campus. There are nine educators for the deaf at Sequoia School for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing, K-12 grade. Five out of nine are Deaf, while the other four are hearing instructors. Along with each teacher there is a paraprofessional that works in the classroom. They recruit staff by posting teaching opportunities on their website. These instructional aides must be proficient in ASL to be able to help the students.

At Sequoia School for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing (S.S.D.H.H.), both deaf and hearing students are integrated allowing for both the hearing and the deaf students to have a better understanding of the opposite communities. Upon interviewing Kamilah, a kindergarten teacher at S.S.D.H.H., she told us that many of the hearing students try to learn ASL to be able to communicate with the deaf students. This allows for the deaf students to grow more comfortable when they are trying to communicate in the hearing world. We observed the children when they went to play at recess and it was fascinating watching the hearing students as they communicated with the deaf students. Even though the hearing students were not proficient in sign language, you could really see how much the deaf students appreciated the fact they were even trying to communicate in the first place. However, there was one incident that was unfavorable to one of the little boys that was deaf . He had been standing in line to go on the swings and was waiting very patiently but unfortunately the girl he had been waiting for was pretending that she could not see him. The little boy then ran over to Kamilah and started complaining about the little girl not giving him his turn on the swing that he has been waiting for. Kamilah then encouraged him to go over and confront her and tell her that it was his turn to swing. She convinced him to stand in front of the little girl and assert dominance to get on the swing. We stood and watched him go up and tell her that it was his turn. She still continued to ignore him; at this point Kamilah went over and told the girl that she was being very rude and that her behavior was inappropriate. Even though she did not know sign, she understood what he was trying to tell her. We then asked Kamilah if those kinds of incidents happened often and she went on to say that every child is different and they will all have different reactions. However, this was not something that happened very often. The fact that Kamilah encouraged the child to resolve the problem on his own showed how similar teaching is between the deaf and hearing students truly are.

The curriculum for Sequoia School for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing is the same as any public school that is based on the AZ State Standards. Heather Laine, the assistant principal and 1st and 2nd grade teacher for S.S.D.H.H. told us how they allow for certain modifications for the students acquiring their high school diploma. However, they do not allow for low grade point averages to graduate. In order to graduate they need at least a C average, which is the same for hearing students. A major difference between the deaf and hearing schools is that all deaf students are allowed to stay in school until they are the age of twenty-one. As compared to a typical hearing high school student they usually do not exceed five years. The only exception is if the hearing student is in special education. The reason for this is that 90% of children who are deaf need to learn sign language as their second language because they either have hearing parents or caregivers. As children mature, their brain organization becomes increasingly rigid. By puberty, it is largely complete. 84% of all parents of deaf students do not know any sign language at all. These students who learn language late because of their little to no contact with deaf people when they are young need more time to establish communicative competency. These statistics are very heartbreaking; unfortunately there is nothing the schools can do to change that other than by offering workshops for parents. Upon hearing Heather explain that, this made us wonder if the students ever have trouble deciphering the difference between ASL and English grammar. Surprisingly they have absolutely no problem deciphering between the two. The only other thing she mentioned about it was the fact that when the deaf students grow up they tend to not use their English grammar as much, they will write in ASL format, where as putting full sentences together with words such as is, am, were, and it.

Sequoia School for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing offers free Workshops that are provided throughout the school year for the parents or caregivers and relatives, who wish to learn ASL and MVL. MVL stands for manipulative visual language which is a technique that S.S.D.H.H. uses and is popular with other Bilingual/Bicultural education schools. This is a great program because it focuses on the visual learners, which is successful because ASL is a visual language. “S.S.D.H.H. is one of the only schools in Arizona that uses Manipulative Visual Language progressive program that teaches Deaf students the rules of English through visual input. MVL makes English grammar visual for deaf students so they can see if a sentence's structure is correct or incorrect.” This program provides a unique visual learning environment in which their linguistic, cultural, and social needs are met. These programs exist separate from the mainstream education building and agencies.

The way MVL works is they use triangles with different symbols on each one. Each symbol on the triangles stands for something different. This is how teachers can give the deaf students a better understanding of helping verbs such as, the, it, were, and am. Kamilah would have the students put each triangle in the correct order, then she would have them pick a word that applied to each particular triangle and form it into a sentence [i]. When they came up to one of the words that did not have a sign for, they would use finger spelling to complete the sentence. Kamilah told us that they continue to use this technique all the way throughout high school as well. She also told us that it is very difficult to teach the deaf students these helping verbs because there is really no solid definition for them.

It was intriguing sitting in the classroom and observing the children because even though ASL is their native language, they were very slow and still learning most of the signs that were being used in the classroom. This relates back to the fact that the majority of the students are not using ASL fluently in their households. Since young deaf children have parents that are hearing and they do not know any ASL these children have either very little to no contact with deaf people or the deaf culture. However, there was one little girl who was much more advanced than the other students. We observed her and another little boy interacting over a cute little cat watch. The little girl kept doing the sign like she was drooling over the object, yet the little boy was confused and did not know what she was saying. After Kamilah was done teaching we had the opportunity to ask her about the little girl. She then explained to us that both of the little girl’s parents were deaf and this is where she knew to use the sign like she was drooling.

We also had the chance to interview two new parents, Jed and Ann, deaf parents to deaf twins. Jed attended an oral public school without any sign language. He did not even learn English or how to read until he was in the fourth grade. He finally learned some sign language when reaching the fourth grade but just taking a basic ASL class. While Ann grew up having both deaf parents, her mom homeschooled her from kindergarten until eighthgrade. Though she just learned to read in the eighth grade, she started attending a deaf high school. This high school was grades eighth through twelfth; it was an all ASL school without any oral communication. When asked what kind of education they would like for their twin boys, Jed and Ann stated that they would wish to look into a Bilingual/Bicultural education school. The reason they gave was because it would be the best of both worlds, bring ASL and English together and such a young age would benefit their sons for their future.

There are several benefits of the Bilingual/Bicultural education. Early Access to coherent language nurtures early intellectual development. This development in turn promotes increased literacy and greater academic achievements. Pupils who attend this program are experienced in two languages. The emphasis on early language attainment and establishing a first language provides a base upon which English is consequently taught. Students in Bilingual/Bicultural education has increased self-esteem and self-assurance due to the healthy view of deaf children. They now have an acceptance of who they are as individuals and increased confidence to function in Bilingual/Bicultural environments.

Personally our group came to the mutual decision that Bilingual/Bicultural education is an amazing opportunity for deaf children to learn in a hearing and deaf community. We decided this because it allows children to grasp a better understanding of English and ASL grammar, children can integrate with both hearing and deaf children at a young age, and helping verbs can also be explained in a context that young and older deaf children can understand. The one and main thing that disappointed us about Bilingual/Bicultural education is the lack of parent involvement. If we had deaf children in the future we agreed we would all encourage our close family and friends to go learn it at one of the free workshops. For us we find that it is a hard thing to understand not wanting or being able to have communication with your child. If parents took the opportunity to learn ASL and MVL they could help their child succeed in school so much more.